Well, I stopped considering my own suicide once I experienced that of my brother’s and the effect it had on my parents, as a witness… My brother beat me to it.

I am not angry at him, but I would have liked it if he had asked me for help. Now, it is what it is. Knowing I was having these thoughts, he may have felt I was self-absorbed by my own life.

It’s not just me.  This is the reality of the present culture surrounding us.

To be honest It can be useful, when feeling attracted to our own death, to ask the question of ourselves;

“Be honest; If people will say that you were selfish, would they be right?”

I now refuse to be self-absorbed and to disregard the perspective of the other.  When I see that that’s what I’m doing at that moment, I can and I do snap out of it.

The perspective of the other on my life helps me see my situation for what it is and not allow the comfort of my illusions to dominate me.

I know what pain feels like.

I now have to recognize it’s presence and accept it for what is.

Pain is reminder that we are still alive. Or .. that were doing something wrong, perhaps we are thinking from a wrong perspective.

The other thing is that there’s no rush.

If I felt like crap, I learned to give myself the permission to do nothing as the better choice between killing myself versus enjoying doing whatever something I enjoy even if, it’s a momentary vain pleasure.

Then I realized I had a death fantasy.

Then I gave myself a challenge.  

The channel was 1) to be honest with myself 

2) Set out to become strong minded and get physical strength 

Now I’m so busy. 

And I see there’s so much to do, so many ways to help so many ways to contribute and show the kind of example to the world that I can respect.

There’s a gain; an element of self respect from an honest evaluation of where I am relative to where I once was.

All of it is me.

This simultaneity of eternity is of my own creation.